Twitter Queens: The Best Female Tweets
Who knew answering your phone could help you tone up? Check out this week’s best female tweets!
Awaiting the results of your fake tan is even scarier than waiting for your Leaving Cert ones. pic.twitter.com/HxInJQ6KRt
— Amy Huberman (@amyhuberman) June 18, 2014
Let’s face it, you can always repeat your Leaving Certificate but you can never repeat your fake tan application. Particularly if it’s a spray tan or one of those bottles which develop over-night – impossible to scrub off after a slip of the hand. All women know how absolutely terrifying it is to wake up the next morning and lift the duvet up to discover the damage which has been done by the fake stuff during the night – darker elbows and shoulders than the rest of the body, streaky legs or arms and a face like an Oompa Loompa. Those of you who have previously had a few tanning disasters will know that waking up the day of a special occasion with a non-streaky fake tan is exactly like waking up on Christmas morning to a brand new Michael Kors handbag.
When you're on your way to the gym and then you find yourself in the kitchen carefully laying slices of cheese onto an oatcake #THAT
— Dawn O'Porter (@hotpatooties) June 24, 2014
Or try coming home after working up a sweat in the gym, plonking yourself on the couch in front of the television and finally deciding a chocolate bar and bag of crisps would go down nicely while you’re catching up on Coronation Street or TOWIM. That hour you spent torturing yourself on an exercise bike may as well never have happened now! In a way though, it is kind of a ‘balanced’ diet…You burn calories then you treat yourself. It would be worse if you ONLY treated yourself, right? Right!?
I came up with a great new invention for people who like to stay fit and answer the phone. At the same time. http://t.co/fKefJjwZc7
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) June 24, 2014
So iPhones provide us with entertainment, internet, communication and now the very latest, exercise. But this isn’t one of those applications you download which provide various workouts for you to do, this is actual physical exercise with your phone. Thanks to ToneFone, a weighted iPhone case, you can now combine texting or talking with weightlifting! Being Ellen DeGeneres, she decided shaping up your arms wasn’t enough and has come up with a way to shape up your legs too while using your phone. Check out the provided link to see Ellen put her new invention, Cankle Callers, to use!
I'm not sure the medical name for my phobia, but it's the fear of men trying to hit on me even though they're wearing flip flops.
— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) June 20, 2014
Flipflop-on-men-o-phobia? It’s 10 times worse if those flip-flops are combined with socks – somebody call the fashion police. Men really should be banned from wearing those open-toed shoes around in public. Unless it’s a public place which has sandy floors and serves pina coladas in coconuts. No offence to men who are currently digging the trend but wearing sandals with jeans and a shirt in the hope of attracting the eye of a hot female is just not going work in your favour. I mean, how can we possibly take you seriously when those bony, hairy toes are practically in our face?!
The only thing worse than being in a fight with your spouse is watching someone else fight with their spouse
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) June 15, 2014
Oh, the awkwardness of it all. Do you take on the role of Jeremy Kyle and try to help them resolve their issue? Do you make it obvious you’re feeling awkward and get up and just leave? Or do you sit there, whistling away to yourself as if everything is hunky dory, pretending you don’t give a damn? My solution is to take out your phone, put it to your ear and say hello, then gradually walk further and further away. Or you could take out the popcorn, sit back, relax and thank God it isn’t you in that position.
Hey couples who have a baby and then take weeks to name it: What were you discussing for the last nine months?
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) June 19, 2014
So they may have a number of names in mind but surely couples will have narrowed down all the options and decided which name they prefer the best by the time the mother is ready to pop? Okay, so some parents like to wait until they’ve met their newborn child to choose, but surely it won’t take any longer than 2-3 days to pick one if they have a couple of their favourite names in mind. Am I the only one who thinks all newborns look similar? How can you tell if a baby ‘looks’ like a Harry or a Chloe?
I can't make fun of the women who want to date this hot criminal Internet sensation. I once dated a guy who wore a wool suit in the summer.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) June 21, 2014
I’m sure all you ladies have heard of criminal Jeremy Meeks – who was arrested for firearms offences in California – by now. His mugshot has graced the newsfeeds of Facebook and Twitter for the past few days and his blue eyes and chiselled facial features have grabbed the attention of many females around the world. While Meeks is no doubt an attractive man, I find the obsession with him quite disturbing. The fact women are willing to put themselves in risky situations to be close to him is troubling. It has been claimed Meeks could now earn $15-30k a month working with top fashion agencies. But why should we turn a blind eye to his criminal actions just because his looks are appealing?
You'd think the fact that I get violent, debilitating, two day long hangovers would stop me from over drinking, but here we are.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) June 22, 2014
The morning after a big night out drinking brings the usual utterance of ‘I am never drinking again’ mainly because you realise that, while you had fun at the time, a pounding headache and sickness is definitely NOT worth it the next day. But when the following weekend comes it’s more like ‘Ah sure, I won’t drink as much as I did last week.’ That never happens – it’s like a vicious circle. IT NEVER ENDS. Unless you really do give up alcohol for good. To which I will applaud you for.
Photo c/o telegraph.co.uk