Twitter Queens: The Best Female Tweets
KIM Kardashian: Hollywood, Coconut Water obsession and the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer – let’s take a look at what Twitter’s top ladies have been tweeting about this week.
I hate myself for asking this but can you get married on the Kim Kardashian app? #sorrynotsorry
— Laura Robson (@laurarobson5) July 21, 2014
I will not download the kardashian game. I will not download the kardashian game. I will not download the kardashian game. I will not downlo
— Ailbhe Malone (@ailbhetross) July 23, 2014
I deleted the Kim game because my fame felt increasingly meaningless; my friendships, shallow; the new clothes, heinous. Sorry 2 my fans
— Katie Heaney (@KTHeaney) July 27, 2014
The Kim Kardashian app was trending on Twitter for most of the past week after the US Government accidentally tweeted that they were an E-List celeb. Although they’ve since deleted the tweet, everyone seems to have gotten on board and like it or not, the game is so addictive. You may resist initially but eventually you will give into the temptation. Use your energy wisely, go on plenty of dates, flirt shamelessly with anyone and everyone but don’t be tempted to spend any real money on upgrades. (Good advice for real life too?) Oh, and you WILL hate Willow Pape.
Woken by the dulcet morning birdsong of seagulls coming to kill you.
— Amy Huberman (@amyhuberman) July 26, 2014
In case you didn’t know, seagulls are taking over Ireland. In Waterford, there’s a seagull named Jonathan who laughs while attacking his victims. There’s an Irish anti-seagull Facebook page. When I came out of Coppers at 4am on Saturday night, there were seagulls all over Harcourt Street. I thought birds don’t go out at night? When do these monsters sleep?? Even Amy Huberman has copped onto the impending seagull apocalypse. You have officially been warned.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world it needed coconut water.
— EmerTheScreamer (@EmerTheScreamer) July 20, 2014
Can we talk about Coconut Water for a second, please? Where did it even come from? Does anybody REALLY like it? It may taste like dirty tropical dishwater but you definitely know somebody who has told you that it’s ‘SO refreshing and super healthy‘. Is everyone just pretending to love it so they can get Instagram likes? If you drink Coconut Water and DON’T tweet about it, did you ever really drink it?? It was far from coconut water we were reared.
Pro tip: never snapchat anyone ever because they'll take a screen shot and use it against you.
— Arielle Calderon (@Arielle07) July 26, 2014
This should be common sense by now but it’s amazing how many people still get caught off guard while Snapchatting. A good rule is: if you’re going to send risqué pics, avoid including your face. A better rule is: don’t send risqué pics. And don’t forget, if you’re using the chat feature, the other person can still see when you screenshot. So think twice before trying to show your bestie a message from your bae.
Boy meets Girl. Boy hates Girl. Boy & Girl hook up drunk at work event. Girl falls hard for Boy. Boy flattered by this. Boy marries Girl.
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) July 26, 2014
Mindy Kaling always has it sussed. The drunken coworker hook-up that turns into a life-long romance. Ah, every girl’s fantasy. Unfortunately it never happens this easily. There’s awkward walks of shame, awkward glances across the office, awkward water-cooler stand-offs and did I mention awkward awkwardness? If you’re lucky this can blossom into something more than a one-time mistake but until then, we – like Mindy – can dream.
Maximising my Sunday Night Fear by checking my bank balance. This is emotional self-harm at its best.
— Fiona Hyde (@andgoseek) July 27, 2014
We all know this feeling way too well. You wake up on a Sunday morning and you immediately regret every decision you’ve ever made. The tequila shots. The dancing on tables. The post-Palace kebab. Suddenly it all starts coming back to you; the drunken texts, Facebook messages and Snapchats and you begin to wish you’d never even bought a phone. Eventually, after a Sunday roast and a day of Netflix bingeing, you’re finally starting to feel OK. Then you remember to check your bank balance. Fear. Hatred. Shame. Regret. These are the only words to describe how you feel. You retreat under your duvet, never to surface again. But sure listen, at least tomorrow’s Monday.
Taxi driver ‘are you a model? I like you. You’re so cute. You are a model’. FUCK OFF YOU SAY THAT TO EVERY GIRL THAT GETS IN YOU SLEAZY GIT
— Dawn O'Porter (@hotpatooties) July 24, 2014
In between her hilarious live tweeting of everyday life, it’s great to see that Dawn O’Porter still has time to call sleazy gits out on their sleaziness. Take heed girls, you don’t need to put up with creeps. You are Beyonce. You are Rihanna. You are Dawn O’Porter. Play it safe and get out of that taxi. And then tweet about it.
The closest experience I've had to 50 Shades of Grey is when the waiter holds the pepper mill over my food and tells me to SAY WHEN
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 25, 2014
The trailer for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie was released this week and as a result everyone has been tweeting about it. Whether you love it or hate it, you can’t deny that Jamie Dornan is a beautiful god-like creature. However, if like me and Eliza Bayne, you haven’t got a Christian Grey in your life, you’ll just have to make do with your pepper-bearing waiter for now.
Photo c/o lockerdome.com