Total Eclipse of the Fart
I was always one of the boys. Even in play school, I preferred the rough and tumble of boy games than the girly chit-chat of the Barbie Dream house. Having lots of male friends has its perks like honest advice about guys you’re dating and their real opinion of what you are wearing. There are also some not-so-nice things. Here is my new set of rules for you lovelies that I have had to set because of recent experiences. Let them be abided by as of now, gents!
- Mini earthquakes – I don’t know how guys actually manage this but when men pass gas, not only does it almost cause the earth to tremor but it also smells like poison. Just because you are my friend does not mean you don’t have to leave the room when you are about to let off. CUT IT OUT. The burping must go too.
- Bathroom sharing – I’m still a girl. You may not come in while I am brushing my teeth and go for a pee. You know who you are.
- My friends are not your future girlfriends. I have learned the hard way that setting up your friends does not end well. Not only do you end up listening to whinging from both sides about each other, it will also be your fault if they split. Once I even lost both friends because of a minor argument. Never again….
- Stop flirting with my sisters. Yes, they are hotter, more intelligent versions of me but back off and yes, the same rule applies to my mother.
- I do not share food. Not with you, not even with my family members. I am still not sorry for my ten-minute strop after you ate my last hula hoop.
- Inappropriate conversations. Example: calling me to ask if I know whether you have a foreskin or not. NOT cool.
- Compromising photos of girls that are still in your bed. I mean, thanks for sharing but naked girls don’t really turn me on.
- Honesty isn’t always the best policy. Sometimes, just the very odd time you could just lie and tell me that the guy I am seeing is a dick head and the reason he broke up with me isn’t because I have crazy girl syndrome.
- I am not a shifting machine. I will not shift/shag your friends because you feel sorry for them.
- Snap-chats that have gone too far. In particular, ones of you pooing, followed by one of the actual poo. I am quite sure your male friends don’t want to see this, I would also put a bet on that no one else on the planet does. You are a gross human.
Photo c/o imujer.com