What Goes On Behind The Bathroom Door
LADIES, I think we’ll all admit there are parts of our bodies we despise. And there are other parts we’ve learned to modify. These modifications have been handed down through the generations and are a display of female ingenuity that must remain secret from the male species. Many have, unfortunately, been revealed, for example the plucking of eyebrows. This secret has been exposed due to waiting room magazines and unlocked bathroom doors. However, we must soldier on. Remain beautiful and keep sacred the holy grail of our beauty regime.
Recently my boyfriend has been spending more and more time in my house and while we are comfortable around each other (we’ve even crossed the ‘peeing in front of each other’ threshold) there are certain things I like to keep hidden. For instance, let us start with the simple things – squeezing a spot. I personally don’t even like admitting I have the things and I certainly don’t want anyone to see me squeezing them. It’s pretty disgusting you’re effectively shooting missiles of puss out of your face! Hot, right? My boyfriend knows I get the odd blemish, I’ve bared my face in front of him, but do I want him (or anyone) to watch me jut my chin toward the mirror, crumple my nose, purse my lips and squeeze each and every one? Nope! That is why we have locks on bathroom doors, ladies, and lights above those mirrors alone. And face masks. Where would we be without face masks?
Secondly ladies, I like a guy with some facial fuzz. I don’t know what it is but the fuzz gives me a buzz. But do I want him knowing that I, like all other women, have some too? No! We all have that one really long facial hair, usually located around the chin area that has to be plucked fortnightly or, depending on your hair colour, weekly. It is during this five-second job of locating and plucking that we truly bond with and make an oath with our tweezers that what is about to happen remains between the two of you. The bond between a girl and her tweezers is one no man will ever understand, it is our battle sword. Likewise men will never understand how vital Veet hair removal cream is. If the tweezers is our battle sword, well then this cream is our trusty steed. A generous lathering of this silky, sizzling cream before a first date or cosy night in while painting your toenails and nobody is any the wiser!
Exfoliation is also a major element of every girl’s beauty regime. A major element we often neglect until May, when suddenly we realise it’s time for skirts and sandals again. It’s at that moment, the one beauty utensil we all shudder to think of reappears; the pumice stone. Digging through drawers of shower gels, shaving foam and hair treatments we finally lay hands on it, boil the kettle, whack on some Bridget Jones and start scraping away an entire seasons worth of dead skin. I don’t think any woman feels attractive doing this. Not only are you watching the snowflakes of Winter’s heels flutter by, but also pulling the most horrifying of faces due to the sheer amount of elbow grease it all requires.
And finally, for the most painful and frequently performed task by the female specimen – the shaving of your downstairs. Nobody likes doing it but everyone does it. Not only is waxing expensive but personally, I’ve tried it on my legs and had to have a stiff whiskey afterward. I’m not sure I could cope with sampling it elsewhere. However, I think you’ll agree it’s not a task one performs while their boyfriend relieves himself on the other side of the bathroom or sits on the loo explaining why Ben Affleck is the wrong choice for Batman. No, this is an awkward task that tests both your accuracy and flexibility and must be carried out alone and in silence. It’s not a region of the body you like to graze with a razor. Therefore we do this alone, after we’ve finished relaxing in a late night bubble bath or before you try on the new lingerie you brainwashed him into buying.
I think we can all agree while we fight for our feminist values and dream of burning our bras, we still wear them and still like to pluck our chin hair in secret. No matter how close one is to their boyfriend, better half, husband or whatever he may be – there are times when the door must be shut and the Xbox valued as the ultimate distraction. It’s times like these ladies, I think, I wish I was a lesbian. Life in the bathroom would be so much easier!
Photos c/o wetravelandblog.com, electrolysisbyjenna.com