WARNING, Edith Piaf ‘No Regrets’ is currently on repeat on my ipod and this one is for all you who have been heart broken. This is about that person who: when you see him you get butterflies, when he calls or texts your face lights up, you think about him all the time, for no reason – he is what Hollywood has defined as ‘The One’.
To the rest of the world, he is not that attractive but to me he is. For the sake of this article we will call him “Ryan” (merely because he had the ‘Gosling’ effect on me). I first met Ryan 5 years ago when my adult life has just begun and I had discovered the wonders of alcohol, sex and partying all night. He was fun, carefree and interested and so was I. It started off great, just a whole load of fun almost every night of then quite quickly, something changed within me. I would panic if he didn’t return a text within a short period, my friends actually put a ban on me talking about him and suddenly I was following him around like a lost puppy, filling out college/passport applications for him, going out of my way to find him a job and generally running to him when he clicked his fingers. It was obvious he didn’t feel the same about me and I didn’t care.
It is now 5 years later and I have made progress with my life, I have moved country twice, county once, finished college and found a job and things I like. One thing has remained unchanged though out these five years and that is my relationship status – ‘Single’. I have even chosen to hide it altogether from Facebook since there is never anything interesting to report. I haven’t even come close to a relationship – unless you count four weeks of hell with a now fully-blown drug dealer but that is a whole other article. I don’t think it is because my standards are that high. Ryan had no job, no money, carless, low on actual friends and was living with his parents at 28 years of age and I still loved him. Two years after I stopped seeing Ryan I found out he had been engaged the entire time he was with me. When I confronted him about that he mentioned that myself and him weren’t an item in the first place and that I was over reacting – what a catch! Ryan has been the only constant guy in my love life, he calls and texts regularly no matter how many times I have asked him to stop. He knows everything about me and my family and my friends, he knows how to get on my nerves but he also can snap me out of a foul mood in a couple of seconds because he never takes anything too seriously.
This weekend I am delighted to announce that I have made progress. I let him go. I accepted one final late night phone call and agreed to see him for the time. I met another landmark that night too because for the first time ever in my life I told someone that I love them and actually meant it. I know and always knew that I would not get the cinematic ending every girl dreams of. I was faced with what I knew was coming: nothing. This is a guy who could charm his way into CIA headquarters and for the first time since I had the misfortune of meeting him he had nothing to say. I didn’t get a sorry but I didn’t want one. All I asked for was to be left alone so I can move on with my life and not get messages from every week reminding me that I am weak. I want space so that I can realise that although I know I don’t need him, I don’t have to want him in my life.
It might have gone a little bit better had I not drank 6 too many Jager bombs which resulted in hysterical wailing at him. It had to be done and the best part was that I had two really great female friends on hand to push my chin right back up to where it should be. If anyone should learn anything from this it’s this – if you know he has never showed you he loves you as much as you have shown him, let him go. You might want to do this before you waste five years trying to kid yourself into believing that he will somehow transform into Prince Charming. It never does quite work out like it does in the movies. Take my advice: When it’s over, don’t look back. There’s a dam good reason it didn’t work out the first time so save your second chances for use in emergency only.
Photos c/o vodkaandcupcakes.com, thaafterparty.com