10 Things Men Never Experience
BRA Relief – You come in from a long-ass, grueling day at work. A day where you have been caught up in a less than comfortable outfit and all you want to do is throw on your onesie and those new fluffy socks you just got in Penneys. You pull off your clothes and then your bra (or you just unhook it under your jumper) and there it is. Alas, that moment of sheer, unconfined bliss where your girls are finally free to hang as they please. You’ve waited for it all day and it’s just as liberating as you imagined. I kind of feel sorry that lads don’t get to experience this moment. They will never know the satisfaction.
Childbirth – Luckily enough, I haven’t encountered this ‘natural miracle’ yet, but some friends have and from their experiences I have collectively gathered enough information to rack my mind with various scenarios of how my own turn will go down. So far I have heard that it’s messy. It’s uncomfortable. It’s complicated. It’s hella painful and it’s oxymoronically one of the best days of your life. I think that most women will agree with me when I say that the male sex escaped this one fairly lightly.
*Heard dat sista!*
The Cruel Make-up Removal – Plagued to wear make-up everyday for all of eternity means that us women are plagued to remove it every day also. Don’t ya just despise it when you’re vegging by the fire and your eyes are slowly closing and all you want to do is drag your weary body to bed and collapse on your mattress whilst someone shouts ‘timberrrr’ and then you get hit slap bang with the reminder that you have to remove your slap. Ugh. Kill us.
Time of the Month – The Rag, Aunt Flow, The Curse, ‘That Time’…call it whatever. We get it and it’s mean. Boooo. The back pain, the sore boobs, the cramps, just the whole big fat uncomfortableness of it all. It sucks ass and of course our other halves have nothing to worry about, only when it’s going to end so we can stop being such bitches and get back to doing the nasty. Seriously lads, if ye only knew.
Style vs. Comfort – God, I can’t wait for this Saturday night when I go home, take a shower, do my hair, spray my body and jump into some vans, jeans and a lovely warm jumper. Oh wait that’s right, I’m not a lad. I have to decide between wearing a bodycon dress that’s welded to me or a pair of sky-scrapers that I can’t walk in and sometimes… I have to wear both. Together. All night. Why? ‘Cause I want to look good but I have to endure standing around all night in pain if I want to do so. Hmmm, head out in a tracksuit and Uggs, anyone?
The Effort of Long Hair – If you have extensions it’s not so bad because you can just take them out and throw them aside, but if you have naturally long hair, it can be an absolute nightmare to style and maintain. It takes about a year and a half to wash it in the shower and subsequently takes the same time to blow dry it. We can’t just wash our hair with body gel and then dry it with a towel. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work like that.
Shaving and Waxing – I debated whether or not to include this because some guys today are under the impression that it’s attractive to shave and wax everything. And I mean everything. Therefore they’d be well used to this malarkey. But for the manly men that are still out there, you just don’t know the struggle to keep everything groomed all of the feckin’ time. Legs, armpits, lady parts, it is never ending. Ya, I mean we could get laser hair removal an’ all but ain’t nobody got time fo dat!
The Battle of The Finances – Ok it can be admitted that we spend a lot of our money on cosmetics but when ya need ‘em ya need ‘em and we really don’t want to buy that crap stuff that wears away after about an hour, so we have to splash the cash. This usually leads to that heart-plummeting feeling when you’re doing a ‘balance enquiry’ at the ATM. Men can count themselves lucky that they don’t have to encounter that feeling of being broke from painting their faces.
The Peeing Spot – I am sorry but we were not naturally manufactured to pee just anywhere. Men can do it on a wall, in a field, into a bottle, feck it, they can even pee into the wind but we are “so annoying” if we have to get to a legitimate toilet halfway through the drive up the country. We need facilities, people. We don’t have a channelling pipe that we can just point in any direction. Jeez.
Curves – Men don’t have ‘curves’ so they don’t understand the constant pressure that we are under to maintain the ‘curves’ at such a degree that we don’t look top or bottom heavy. It’s figure maths and it’s hard, so cut us some slack when we go on about our bodies. We can’t eat McDonalds and then go out on the beer all night every second day and still look the same. We have to constantly monitor ourselves and it is really difficult, so stop rolling your eyes at us and get us some (chocolate) fruit.
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